I am going home tonight.
I have so much to be thankful for.
Excited.
That is all!!!
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
one year ago.. and now
One year ago, my heart was a dry sponge. One of those extremely hard, brittle, ugly sponges that haven't had a single drop of water on them in days.
Beauty for ashes
a garment of praise for my heaviness
Beauty for ashes
take this heart of stone and make it Yours, Yours
I remember 11/1 was a huuuge day because of that freakin early application deadline. Then it was on to UC apps, then the rest of my college apps. School had been insanely busy with homecoming & all the work I didn't expect from my first semester (which I honestly thought was way worse than all of junior year combined), church was somewhere I went if I was feelin it that particular Sunday morning, and I was just crumbling under pressure, expectations, and the pressure from all the expectations. Like a speaker at IV large group said, "Expectations just suck the life out of you." Everything I did, felt, and sought after just left my throat and heart gasping to be soaked in something much more fulfilling. satisfying.
When I think of high school I remember all the good times and really miss it. But away from MVHS, I was also the most broken. Family, relationships, my future, and especially my walk with God were all so completely broken down. I tried to hide it but probably hoped that someone could see through me. I felt inadequate, I was constantly exhausted, and acted apathetic or faked a smile... just so completely dry.
One year ago, I was lost. Somewhere around me I knew there was a map or a compass, even, to find my way.. And finally, at the start of the new year, I just had to ask God to lead me out of bleakness and darkness.
There's a cry in my heart
For Your glory to fall
For Your presence to fill up my senses
I heard absolutely nothing. My conversations with God were one-sided and fake. I prayed using set phrases I had heard others use in sermons because I had nothing genuine or from the heart to say. What else can you say but cliches when you talk to someone you haven't spoken to in years? What else comes from a life that had a desire to know someone but never went far enough to act upon it?
So I struggled, and for the rest of the school year I took a few steps back for every small step forward. Moved churches--I thought maybe I just needed more people around me to inspire me. Sought different company--"these people seem so on fire for God.." I wanted to be like them. Set commitments--with the right goals, I would definitely walk the right path, wouldn't I?
I fought with myself and with God and with the ideals of this world. I cried, gave up, and then came running back to God again.
But all in all..
One year ago was just that. One full year ago. After having a crazy busy summer (before coming to Cal) away from California and my home, I had a renewed spirit in me. With faith that God had a purpose for everything--for the suffering, loneliness, rejection. With faith that I would be led by Him. With faith that I would find a community and yoke myself with believers when I moved into a completely new environment.
And now, I see that God is so good.
After coming to Berkeley, some of my old worries came rushing back to me... What if I had to start the fake smiles again when I go through hard times? And what if I still didn't hear God or see him working anywhere in my life? Yet as I worried I clung to my hopes to stay faithful and to seek Him, and now--nearly 3 months after that point--I can confess that He has filled me up so fully and amazingly.
And I remember how You found me,
In that very same place
All my failings surely would've drowned me
But You made a way
After joining InterVarsity and building a community within our Unit2 small group, I have slowly been challenged, transformed, and restored. After coming so far from that place of emptiness and dryness, my heart is soaked with so much hope and joy, even though I know things will get harder sooner or later. There are so many things about Christ's freedom for the broken and weary, His unconditional love for every person, and the fruit of the Spirit that I could go on about, but maybe those will be for another post. All I can say is that He truly works in His own time, in His own, precise, perfect way. Praise God.
"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." -- Matthew 6:33
Beauty for ashes
a garment of praise for my heaviness
Beauty for ashes
take this heart of stone and make it Yours, Yours
I remember 11/1 was a huuuge day because of that freakin early application deadline. Then it was on to UC apps, then the rest of my college apps. School had been insanely busy with homecoming & all the work I didn't expect from my first semester (which I honestly thought was way worse than all of junior year combined), church was somewhere I went if I was feelin it that particular Sunday morning, and I was just crumbling under pressure, expectations, and the pressure from all the expectations. Like a speaker at IV large group said, "Expectations just suck the life out of you." Everything I did, felt, and sought after just left my throat and heart gasping to be soaked in something much more fulfilling. satisfying.
When I think of high school I remember all the good times and really miss it. But away from MVHS, I was also the most broken. Family, relationships, my future, and especially my walk with God were all so completely broken down. I tried to hide it but probably hoped that someone could see through me. I felt inadequate, I was constantly exhausted, and acted apathetic or faked a smile... just so completely dry.
One year ago, I was lost. Somewhere around me I knew there was a map or a compass, even, to find my way.. And finally, at the start of the new year, I just had to ask God to lead me out of bleakness and darkness.
There's a cry in my heart
For Your glory to fall
For Your presence to fill up my senses
I heard absolutely nothing. My conversations with God were one-sided and fake. I prayed using set phrases I had heard others use in sermons because I had nothing genuine or from the heart to say. What else can you say but cliches when you talk to someone you haven't spoken to in years? What else comes from a life that had a desire to know someone but never went far enough to act upon it?
So I struggled, and for the rest of the school year I took a few steps back for every small step forward. Moved churches--I thought maybe I just needed more people around me to inspire me. Sought different company--"these people seem so on fire for God.." I wanted to be like them. Set commitments--with the right goals, I would definitely walk the right path, wouldn't I?
I fought with myself and with God and with the ideals of this world. I cried, gave up, and then came running back to God again.
But all in all..
One year ago was just that. One full year ago. After having a crazy busy summer (before coming to Cal) away from California and my home, I had a renewed spirit in me. With faith that God had a purpose for everything--for the suffering, loneliness, rejection. With faith that I would be led by Him. With faith that I would find a community and yoke myself with believers when I moved into a completely new environment.
And now, I see that God is so good.
After coming to Berkeley, some of my old worries came rushing back to me... What if I had to start the fake smiles again when I go through hard times? And what if I still didn't hear God or see him working anywhere in my life? Yet as I worried I clung to my hopes to stay faithful and to seek Him, and now--nearly 3 months after that point--I can confess that He has filled me up so fully and amazingly.
And I remember how You found me,
In that very same place
All my failings surely would've drowned me
But You made a way
After joining InterVarsity and building a community within our Unit2 small group, I have slowly been challenged, transformed, and restored. After coming so far from that place of emptiness and dryness, my heart is soaked with so much hope and joy, even though I know things will get harder sooner or later. There are so many things about Christ's freedom for the broken and weary, His unconditional love for every person, and the fruit of the Spirit that I could go on about, but maybe those will be for another post. All I can say is that He truly works in His own time, in His own, precise, perfect way. Praise God.
"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." -- Matthew 6:33
Monday, November 17, 2008
college makes me an impulsive shopper.
It's pretty bad. For my wallet, at least.
I, on the other hand, love it. (But should stop.)
Taylor Swift 'Fearless' CD
It's uh-mazing. Her lyrics tell stories so raw and true and straight from her experiences, which I love. And sometimes they aren't just ALLL about boys (although most are). I love the song "Breathe" which she collaborated with Colbie Caillat on. Gah I just love her.
Winter clothes/accessories/and the like.
Albeit it being 80 degrees at the end of the past week, I am now ready for winter (kind of, I guess.) Bring it onnn. Oh and I do admit I look a bit silly with those ear warmers on. Whatevs! :)
More cards
No picture because if I posted a picture of them, it'd be no surprise for the people I send them to! (If they read this thing at all, that is.)
Concert tickets.
Jon McLaughlin in the city for only $19. Such an incentive to do well and feel good about my midterm that will be earlier that day. Stoked!
Speaking of midterm, time to study.
Random side note: I noticed I don't capitalize my blog post titles. It kind of bothers me, but what also would bother me is if I start capitalizing now when all the past titles have not been. Dilemmaaa!
I, on the other hand, love it. (But should stop.)
Taylor Swift 'Fearless' CD
It's uh-mazing. Her lyrics tell stories so raw and true and straight from her experiences, which I love. And sometimes they aren't just ALLL about boys (although most are). I love the song "Breathe" which she collaborated with Colbie Caillat on. Gah I just love her.
Winter clothes/accessories/and the like.
Albeit it being 80 degrees at the end of the past week, I am now ready for winter (kind of, I guess.) Bring it onnn. Oh and I do admit I look a bit silly with those ear warmers on. Whatevs! :)
More cards
No picture because if I posted a picture of them, it'd be no surprise for the people I send them to! (If they read this thing at all, that is.)
Concert tickets.
Jon McLaughlin in the city for only $19. Such an incentive to do well and feel good about my midterm that will be earlier that day. Stoked!
Speaking of midterm, time to study.
Random side note: I noticed I don't capitalize my blog post titles. It kind of bothers me, but what also would bother me is if I start capitalizing now when all the past titles have not been. Dilemmaaa!
Monday, November 10, 2008
complain whine grumble.
A random collection of things that aren't very smile-worthy:
(even though my past week was pretty friggin awesome)
1) Pigeons. They tend to fly and land right on my windowsill.. ALL the time. Meaning, more recently in the past month I've been noticing that my wake-up calls (after my real alarms, of course) are the incessant, throaty cooing of ugly pigeons.
I slap the window and it stops. But that's just like hitting the snooze button cause they come right back in about 5 minutes.
2) Forgetfulness. When I forget my keys in my room and I don't want to call the RAs for the master key (you only get 5 tries a semester before getting fined or something), I go into my neighbor's room, slide out the window and proceed to walk across the windowsill like I'm in a spy movie, open my window, and get in.
Yeah, it's pretty freakin dangerous but I live on the first floor don't worry. But recall that I said that pigeons fly onto my windowsill all the time. Nas-tayyy.
3) This week. 2 midterms, a big project, problem sets, Tuesday being a day off but not realistically so. Meh.
4) Mailroom workers who steal. Okay, I'm not 100% sure it was a mailroom worker who stole it. But I was sent a gift in the mail (albeit that it was a 'Beat Cal' pin from USC.. (I still love you Samantha Wang!)) and it was SO very clearly taken out of the envelope. This also happened to Natalie and Katherine. WHAaaT the eff, right? When I first saw it I was thinking a slew of profanities, to be honest. :( But perhaps it was a scheme, because it is no coincidence that all 3 of us got it ripped out of our envelopes. Boo I am ashamed of you, Cal mailroom workers.
5) Ice cold winds, especially when I have no way of making myself warmer. It just really sucks! But when do I not complain about the weather, right? :P
6) Complaining. And texty blog posts. Which is why I will stop here.
"If you have time to whine and complain about something, then you have the time to do something about it." - Anthony J D'Angelo
hm. word.
(even though my past week was pretty friggin awesome)
1) Pigeons. They tend to fly and land right on my windowsill.. ALL the time. Meaning, more recently in the past month I've been noticing that my wake-up calls (after my real alarms, of course) are the incessant, throaty cooing of ugly pigeons.
I slap the window and it stops. But that's just like hitting the snooze button cause they come right back in about 5 minutes.
2) Forgetfulness. When I forget my keys in my room and I don't want to call the RAs for the master key (you only get 5 tries a semester before getting fined or something), I go into my neighbor's room, slide out the window and proceed to walk across the windowsill like I'm in a spy movie, open my window, and get in.
Yeah, it's pretty freakin dangerous but I live on the first floor don't worry. But recall that I said that pigeons fly onto my windowsill all the time. Nas-tayyy.
3) This week. 2 midterms, a big project, problem sets, Tuesday being a day off but not realistically so. Meh.
4) Mailroom workers who steal. Okay, I'm not 100% sure it was a mailroom worker who stole it. But I was sent a gift in the mail (albeit that it was a 'Beat Cal' pin from USC.. (I still love you Samantha Wang!)) and it was SO very clearly taken out of the envelope. This also happened to Natalie and Katherine. WHAaaT the eff, right? When I first saw it I was thinking a slew of profanities, to be honest. :( But perhaps it was a scheme, because it is no coincidence that all 3 of us got it ripped out of our envelopes. Boo I am ashamed of you, Cal mailroom workers.
5) Ice cold winds, especially when I have no way of making myself warmer. It just really sucks! But when do I not complain about the weather, right? :P
6) Complaining. And texty blog posts. Which is why I will stop here.
"If you have time to whine and complain about something, then you have the time to do something about it." - Anthony J D'Angelo
hm. word.
Friday, November 7, 2008
pretty in plaid
I'm usually not very particular about clothes. As long as it's comfortable and appeals to me, s'all good with me.
Buuut, one thing I alwaysalways love is plaid.
Sorry if this is too reminiscent of my entry about pens, but...
:( - Plaid that looks like a two-color checkerboard or picnic blanket. Those kinds of perfectly square designs with two solid colors can stay with checkers and picnics.
:| - Wearing multiple articles of clothing that are plaid.
Nuff said?
:) - Plaid flannel shirts, jackets, shirt dresses, scarves/fleece blankets.
Sadly I don't own a flannel shirt cause I haven't been able to find one I really like and can actually afford. But when I see people with them I study them long and hard so I will know what I like when I do find one! Ha.. I'm not creepy at all.
comfortable & cute! Passion wears a lot of these in diff colors too. yum.
Also :) - Subtle hints of it. Like when there's plaid under the lid of a solid cap or one a part of a pair of shoes.
Tim called me a "plaid whore" once. I guess I can't deny it!
the end.
Buuut, one thing I alwaysalways love is plaid.
Sorry if this is too reminiscent of my entry about pens, but...
:( - Plaid that looks like a two-color checkerboard or picnic blanket. Those kinds of perfectly square designs with two solid colors can stay with checkers and picnics.
:| - Wearing multiple articles of clothing that are plaid.
Nuff said?
:) - Plaid flannel shirts, jackets, shirt dresses, scarves/fleece blankets.
Sadly I don't own a flannel shirt cause I haven't been able to find one I really like and can actually afford. But when I see people with them I study them long and hard so I will know what I like when I do find one! Ha.. I'm not creepy at all.
comfortable & cute! Passion wears a lot of these in diff colors too. yum.
Also :) - Subtle hints of it. Like when there's plaid under the lid of a solid cap or one a part of a pair of shoes.
Tim called me a "plaid whore" once. I guess I can't deny it!
the end.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
a part of history
I just participated in, witnessed, and lived through an event that will be in the future Baileys (aka, APUSH textbooks) of the world!
President Barack Obama wow.. making history in so many ways.
I can imagine there being a paragraph in future US history textbooks about all the newly characteristic things of this election... how involved young people were, how YouTube and the use of other media so greatly affected voters, etcetcetc.
Haha that sounds nerdy but since 8pm tonight that's definitely been on my mind!
Telegraph fullll of people. We have pole-sitters now, too!
Also, being in Berkeley at this time is craaaazy & awesome, to say the least. An outbreak of emotion at the announcement of Obama's victory, incessant honking of cars for the last 4 hours, and huge impromptu rallies on Telegraph, Sproul, everywhere you go.
crazy cool! that is all. goodnight :)
"There is history in all men's lives." - William Shakespeare
President Barack Obama wow.. making history in so many ways.
I can imagine there being a paragraph in future US history textbooks about all the newly characteristic things of this election... how involved young people were, how YouTube and the use of other media so greatly affected voters, etcetcetc.
Haha that sounds nerdy but since 8pm tonight that's definitely been on my mind!
Telegraph fullll of people. We have pole-sitters now, too!
Also, being in Berkeley at this time is craaaazy & awesome, to say the least. An outbreak of emotion at the announcement of Obama's victory, incessant honking of cars for the last 4 hours, and huge impromptu rallies on Telegraph, Sproul, everywhere you go.
crazy cool! that is all. goodnight :)
"There is history in all men's lives." - William Shakespeare
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