i'm such a failure

at pulling all-nighters. (haha don't worry, not being emo. Just tired.)
So some people have seen me online at insane hours of the night/morning (but now that I think about it, 4:30am doesn't sound too insane anymore). BUT what I've realized is that I always, always, always end up cozily inside my bed somehow before I'm done studying and waking up just in time for my final or whatnot. I don't think I've ever gotten through like 24 hours without at least sleeping for an eighth of the time.... that's probably a good thing, right? *shrug!

On my list for next semester: regulate my sleeping schedule! Or else I will never grow taller! Ha.

In other news,

(someone random blogged about it and I found this through Google search. Love Google-ing!)
It snowed in Cupertino?? When/where/how? The cold these days makes me regret ever complaining about like 55 degree weather. It's kind of nice though! And I can know what to wear for the day without worrying about later on in the day. (<-- me being optimistic :))

Hm. All my blogs turn into mind-dumps. Oh well.. I just can't wait to go home and recuperate from ultra lack of sleep and home-cooked meals and favorite familiar places. Yeee!




X-Men Origins: Wolverine trailer
DANIEL HENNEY IS IN THIS MOVIE. that is all.

pre-finals mind dump!

I just need to get these things off my mind before I go into studying for finals.

• Break is going to be so long!
Nearly 40 days of break coming up, I'm afraid I won't know what to do with myself. BUT... here comes a shameless plug... I'll be working at my mom's new bookstore called Jump Q Educational Books & Toys. Yee! There are really good educational books and stuff for students from like pre-school to middle school, along with toys and gifts and what have you. If you have younger siblings who need to get some workbooks or somethin to keep em busy, hollaaaa!

• It's cold.
Okay, I know I have no right to say this, East Coasters... but it is frickin cold these days. That is all.

• I miss summer a bit.
On our CYS Japan Tour, we spent the entire last day of tour sitting in an amazing concert hall and recording a CD. The fruits of that day are finally here!! It sounds really good. And I had better be getting a free one even if I'm not in CYS still.

• Disneyland on my birthday?
Free admission, 4-day weekend (thank you, presidents!), Socal road trip. Last time I went was.. 8th or 9th grade? Sounds like a par-tay to mee!
I dunno though, this is totally tentative.

• Less than 2 weeks left
until my first semester of college is OVEr. On the 18th, I'll be driving home with a big fat smile on my face and excitement in my stomach. That is quite crazy!

• Sososo excited for holiday-ness!
Call me cliche or whatever but I'm getting more excited than ever for the holidays. Walking into a store and hearing Christmas songs (NSYNC - Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays.. or Mariah Carey - All I Want for Christmas is You, anyone?) = best thing everr.

And hence the change in blog colors. Love it? Hate it? Eh, whatever? lemme know...

• Things I reallyreallyreally want/need/have to do:
- Eat pho
- Ice skating
- Christmas in the Park(!!!)
- Go to the cityyy
- etcetcetc.

okay. gots to focus on finals first, so buhbye! :)

----

EDIT.
So a few weeks ago, during a math review session, some girl stands up in the middle of lecture and asks a question about the functions but then goes, "BUT HOW DID THEY DANCE?"
And so this is what happened:

yeah. I was right behind her in that "some random class."

Ohh Cal.

sleep! (or lack thereof.)

A floormate today told me, as we were brushing our teeth at around 10:30pm, that he was going to "Pull a June." I gave him a quizzical look and he specified, saying that he was going to be up until at least 3am. Yeah.

(An applicable Google Image search result for "staying up late.")

Fabulous! I was hoping "Pulling a June" would be something crazier or more exciting like.. spontaneously deciding to go for a run at midnight or knowing how to do a hundred different things really well.

Oh well. But it really goes to show what kind of reputation I've built up on my floor. HAha I really shouldn't be complaining because I used to shower at like 3 or 4am once every few nights (mornings?) or so. But that also means some of my floormates are also up at that time... so how did it end up that I'm the one known to stay up "all night?" Either way, I've renounced that practice because I decided it couldn't be good for my health at all. (Ha, I catch on quick, don't I?)

One thing really different from high school is that I never take naps anymore. WEIRD. Back in the day, naps were totally the cool thing to do after you get back from school. It was so necessary. But I guess starting class at 930 or 10 helps, huh?

Anyhoo, it doesn't look like I'll be erasing that reputation any time soon because I realized today that I have a million things to do until finals. Then take finals. THEN go on break. (A very gloriously long one, to be exact.)


It's almost 3am. Go figure.

HOME

I am going home tonight.
I have so much to be thankful for.
Excited.
That is all!!!

one year ago.. and now

One year ago, my heart was a dry sponge. One of those extremely hard, brittle, ugly sponges that haven't had a single drop of water on them in days.

Beauty for ashes
a garment of praise for my heaviness
Beauty for ashes
take this heart of stone and make it Yours, Yours

I remember 11/1 was a huuuge day because of that freakin early application deadline. Then it was on to UC apps, then the rest of my college apps. School had been insanely busy with homecoming & all the work I didn't expect from my first semester (which I honestly thought was way worse than all of junior year combined), church was somewhere I went if I was feelin it that particular Sunday morning, and I was just crumbling under pressure, expectations, and the pressure from all the expectations. Like a speaker at IV large group said, "Expectations just suck the life out of you." Everything I did, felt, and sought after just left my throat and heart gasping to be soaked in something much more fulfilling. satisfying.

When I think of high school I remember all the good times and really miss it. But away from MVHS, I was also the most broken. Family, relationships, my future, and especially my walk with God were all so completely broken down. I tried to hide it but probably hoped that someone could see through me. I felt inadequate, I was constantly exhausted, and acted apathetic or faked a smile... just so completely dry.

One year ago, I was lost. Somewhere around me I knew there was a map or a compass, even, to find my way.. And finally, at the start of the new year, I just had to ask God to lead me out of bleakness and darkness.

There's a cry in my heart
For Your glory to fall
For Your presence to fill up my senses

I heard absolutely nothing. My conversations with God were one-sided and fake. I prayed using set phrases I had heard others use in sermons because I had nothing genuine or from the heart to say. What else can you say but cliches when you talk to someone you haven't spoken to in years? What else comes from a life that had a desire to know someone but never went far enough to act upon it?

So I struggled, and for the rest of the school year I took a few steps back for every small step forward. Moved churches--I thought maybe I just needed more people around me to inspire me. Sought different company--"these people seem so on fire for God.." I wanted to be like them. Set commitments--with the right goals, I would definitely walk the right path, wouldn't I?

I fought with myself and with God and with the ideals of this world. I cried, gave up, and then came running back to God again.

But all in all..
One year ago was just that. One full year ago. After having a crazy busy summer (before coming to Cal) away from California and my home, I had a renewed spirit in me. With faith that God had a purpose for everything--for the suffering, loneliness, rejection. With faith that I would be led by Him. With faith that I would find a community and yoke myself with believers when I moved into a completely new environment.

And now, I see that God is so good.

After coming to Berkeley, some of my old worries came rushing back to me... What if I had to start the fake smiles again when I go through hard times? And what if I still didn't hear God or see him working anywhere in my life? Yet as I worried I clung to my hopes to stay faithful and to seek Him, and now--nearly 3 months after that point--I can confess that He has filled me up so fully and amazingly.

And I remember how You found me,
In that very same place
All my failings surely would've drowned me
But You made a way

After joining InterVarsity and building a community within our Unit2 small group, I have slowly been challenged, transformed, and restored. After coming so far from that place of emptiness and dryness, my heart is soaked with so much hope and joy, even though I know things will get harder sooner or later. There are so many things about Christ's freedom for the broken and weary, His unconditional love for every person, and the fruit of the Spirit that I could go on about, but maybe those will be for another post. All I can say is that He truly works in His own time, in His own, precise, perfect way. Praise God.

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." -- Matthew 6:33

college makes me an impulsive shopper.

It's pretty bad. For my wallet, at least.
I, on the other hand, love it. (But should stop.)


Taylor Swift 'Fearless' CD
It's uh-mazing. Her lyrics tell stories so raw and true and straight from her experiences, which I love. And sometimes they aren't just ALLL about boys (although most are). I love the song "Breathe" which she collaborated with Colbie Caillat on. Gah I just love her.


Winter clothes/accessories/and the like.
Albeit it being 80 degrees at the end of the past week, I am now ready for winter (kind of, I guess.) Bring it onnn. Oh and I do admit I look a bit silly with those ear warmers on. Whatevs! :)

More cards
No picture because if I posted a picture of them, it'd be no surprise for the people I send them to! (If they read this thing at all, that is.)


Concert tickets.
Jon McLaughlin in the city for only $19. Such an incentive to do well and feel good about my midterm that will be earlier that day. Stoked!

Speaking of midterm, time to study.


Random side note: I noticed I don't capitalize my blog post titles. It kind of bothers me, but what also would bother me is if I start capitalizing now when all the past titles have not been. Dilemmaaa!

complain whine grumble.

A random collection of things that aren't very smile-worthy:
(even though my past week was pretty friggin awesome)

1) Pigeons. They tend to fly and land right on my windowsill.. ALL the time. Meaning, more recently in the past month I've been noticing that my wake-up calls (after my real alarms, of course) are the incessant, throaty cooing of ugly pigeons.
I slap the window and it stops. But that's just like hitting the snooze button cause they come right back in about 5 minutes.

2) Forgetfulness. When I forget my keys in my room and I don't want to call the RAs for the master key (you only get 5 tries a semester before getting fined or something), I go into my neighbor's room, slide out the window and proceed to walk across the windowsill like I'm in a spy movie, open my window, and get in.
Yeah, it's pretty freakin dangerous but I live on the first floor don't worry. But recall that I said that pigeons fly onto my windowsill all the time. Nas-tayyy.

3) This week. 2 midterms, a big project, problem sets, Tuesday being a day off but not realistically so. Meh.

4) Mailroom workers who steal. Okay, I'm not 100% sure it was a mailroom worker who stole it. But I was sent a gift in the mail (albeit that it was a 'Beat Cal' pin from USC.. (I still love you Samantha Wang!)) and it was SO very clearly taken out of the envelope. This also happened to Natalie and Katherine. WHAaaT the eff, right? When I first saw it I was thinking a slew of profanities, to be honest. :( But perhaps it was a scheme, because it is no coincidence that all 3 of us got it ripped out of our envelopes. Boo I am ashamed of you, Cal mailroom workers.

5) Ice cold winds, especially when I have no way of making myself warmer. It just really sucks! But when do I not complain about the weather, right? :P

6) Complaining. And texty blog posts. Which is why I will stop here.

"If you have time to whine and complain about something, then you have the time to do something about it." - Anthony J D'Angelo
hm. word.

pretty in plaid

I'm usually not very particular about clothes. As long as it's comfortable and appeals to me, s'all good with me.

Buuut, one thing I alwaysalways love is plaid.

Sorry if this is too reminiscent of my entry about pens, but...
:( - Plaid that looks like a two-color checkerboard or picnic blanket. Those kinds of perfectly square designs with two solid colors can stay with checkers and picnics.

:| - Wearing multiple articles of clothing that are plaid.

Nuff said?

:) - Plaid flannel shirts, jackets, shirt dresses, scarves/fleece blankets.
Sadly I don't own a flannel shirt cause I haven't been able to find one I really like and can actually afford. But when I see people with them I study them long and hard so I will know what I like when I do find one! Ha.. I'm not creepy at all.

comfortable & cute! Passion wears a lot of these in diff colors too. yum.

Also :) - Subtle hints of it. Like when there's plaid under the lid of a solid cap or one a part of a pair of shoes.


Tim called me a "plaid whore" once. I guess I can't deny it!
the end.

a part of history

I just participated in, witnessed, and lived through an event that will be in the future Baileys (aka, APUSH textbooks) of the world!

President Barack Obama wow.. making history in so many ways.
I can imagine there being a paragraph in future US history textbooks about all the newly characteristic things of this election... how involved young people were, how YouTube and the use of other media so greatly affected voters, etcetcetc.

Haha that sounds nerdy but since 8pm tonight that's definitely been on my mind!


Telegraph fullll of people. We have pole-sitters now, too!

Also, being in Berkeley at this time is craaaazy & awesome, to say the least. An outbreak of emotion at the announcement of Obama's victory, incessant honking of cars for the last 4 hours, and huge impromptu rallies on Telegraph, Sproul, everywhere you go.

crazy cool! that is all. goodnight :)


"There is history in all men's lives." - William Shakespeare

greek!

Since I've been in Berkeley, one thing I noticed I do on a daily basis (besides sleep waaay past 1am, apparently) is:

try to figure out all those Greek letters.


*Disclaimer: I don't know if we have Alpha Delta Pi at Berkeley. This is just a picture from Google Images to use as an example. I don't own it. Don't sue me! Okay, moving on..

Every single day I'll see people with frat/sorority sweatshirts on. Or they're carrying bags with their letters sewn on. So naturally, when I see them, I start trying to figure out what frat or sorority they're from. Basically, I lack the connection between the symbols and the words.

Characters that are easy for me:
- Delta (it's a triangle, no big. We also learn about it in history [Ancient Egypt, whatwhat?] and in debriefs [positives & CHANGES, not negatives haha])
- Alpha, Beta, Pi, Sigma (taking years of math pays off)

Ones I've recently programmed into my brain:
- Phi (lil circle with vertical line through it!)
- Tau, Epsilon, Chi, other pretty common ones.

Then the ones I'm workin on:
- Gamma (it just looks weird to me I guess)
- Omicron, Psi, and the rest of the obscure ones like Eta. or Upsilon.

Please don't judge me because I don't know my Greek letters. I'm in an Ancient Mediterranean Worlds history class.. I'm workin on it, kay? :)


"Wonder is the beginning of wisdom." - Greek Proverb

cards even Christian Siriano would approve of

This:
is currently my favorite place in Berkeley.

Why?
It's really really hard for me to explain. I think you just kind of have go there and be me. or be like me. (Haha makes a lot of sense, huh.) Well...

• The name of the store is clever! It's a play on "avant-garde" which is a term I know thanks to Christian Siriano who was all about the avant-garde on PR. :)

• The atmosphere is so nice. It's a quaint, cozy little card shop with separately "themed" shelves (like one for birthdays, for anniversaries, thank yous, just-because-es, etc.) chock-full of cards that I could browse through forEVer.

• The cards are different. I've browsed the card sections at Walgreens and the Cal Student Store, but these cards are just... better. Yeah, they don't have those loud singing cards but that's what's cool about it. Most show a lot less but say so much more.


These ones of The Little Prince sold it for me.
(One of my favorite books, and used the same quote for my senior quote last year.)
I love themm. love. them.

• I've been on a whole "appreciation for snail mail!" mode after coming to college. I realized I miss that feeling of opening my mailbox (which is waaay too high up for me to comfortably reach, btw) and getting a letter. So slowly but surely I want to send more stuff by post!


Now if someone asks me what I would do if I won a million dollars, I know what I would do with at least like $100 of it.

Yeahhh.. I'd spend it on cards and fun things at Avant Card.

But till then, I'll just stop by every so often after a long day of classes just to browse through the cards again. :)


"The avant-garde are people who don’t exactly know where they want to go, but are the first to get there." - Romain Gary

goalsgoalsgoals

This is a crazy week, therefore I will set goals!

1. Journal/QT at least 30 minutes a day
2. Sleep before 1am every night starting Monday (helpOliver&me!)
3. Limit TV-watching to Heroes only
   
4. Finish homework at least a day early to leave time for other things!
5. Send overdue letters + packages
6. Not be lazy and go to the RSF at least 4 times
   (not including cheering for IM games hah)
7. NOT lose my voice again.
   
8. Be on top of life
   

cool. gogogo!

jaded.

this is one word i never wanted to use to describe me
but it fits perfectly at the moment, so there.

mo' reading, mo' problems

As I sit here in my room on a Thursday night (wishing I were back home already), I'm thinking of all the reading in my life that I need/want to catch up on.

History, physics, econ, TIME, The Time Traveler's Wife, ...

Basically, don't let reading pile up.
Because then it will crush you. and slowly smother you to death.


(a lot of you will recognize this.)

I'm drowning! *blub. blub blub.

picky about the perfect pen

I was given an engraved Mont Blanc pen as a graduation present in May

I don't know about the exact price, but I'm pretty sure it was like near $200. Pretty insane, right?

Sad thing is, I haven't used it at all because:
1) It seems just too expensive to freely use
2) It comes in a super nice case, so I get lazy having to take it out
3) The point is too thick.
I feel bad saying the third point especially, but it's really true..

So I bought a new Moleskine journal last Tuesday (for $17.99 O_O). It's kind of an official new start of a journal (ohh how I've been here many times before..) and I'm determined to stick with it..

BUT.
It's completely blank right now because I want to get the perfect pen to write in it.

Finding the perfect pen is like finding the perfect boyfriend. You have certain criteria but you know there's no such thing as the "perfect" one out there. But you hope.

Criteria for the perfect pen:
• Fine Point: Must be 0.5 mm or thinner. Writing with an extra fine pen feels so much better than writing with one that has a huge tip. Also, it saves valuable page space.

• Smoothness: If the pen skips, it's a goner. The absolute worst thing is when you're on a roll and writing away, but then suddenly you see the ink fade and then it's gone. Everytime this happens I end up scribbling until the ink decides to come out again, but then I have grooves and random marks on my page. No good.

• Grip: Honestly not too picky about this, but it can't be too skinny and hard to hold for a long time.

• Waterproof: Needs to be able to handle highlighter over it! I always cringe when I highlight something and the black smears on the page AND the tip of the highlighter.

• Design: Just nothing too crazy, preferrably just jet black and simple.

Okay now I just sound annoying haha. That is all!

“I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.” - Mitch Hedberg (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

mind dump for the week

• I lost my voice this weekend (again). What makes you lose your voice, anyway? It seems to happen to me all the time. So far it's happened after every single Cal football game (to a certain extent) and just this past week, probably cause I didn't sleep enough. Moral of the story, just get sleep. And don't sleep in your study lounge, as tempting as it may be.

• Took hip hop @ the RSF with Oliver, Sammy, Amber, Katie, and Eric! We bought bandanas from the dollar store to make ourselves more hiphop. Someone asked me if we were part of a crew puahaha! :D I should've said yes.

Also, Shelby is my new favorite person. He teaches hip hop. very passionately.

• The weather in Berkeley needs to make up its mind. Seriously, I check my macbook dashboard every chance I get so I can decide what to wear, but it always friggin changes once I step out the door. I think that's part of why I love summer. It's just so simple, you can wear a shirt and jeans or shorts and you're set for the rest of the day.

• Speaking of MacBooks.

Steve Jobs is making every Apple product I own a vintage (or, soon, antique) thing. Oh well, I got a free iPod touch & printer with my much-loved black MacBook.

• I watch a lot of intramural games here... InterVarsity has a lot of IM teams (basketball, football, softball, volleyball) and I've kind of become resident cheerleader, especially for basketball. I guess I kinda miss doing rallies and such during high school.

• Speaking of high school, HOMECOMING this weekend! I never thought I would get homesick while being here, but it's hitting me slowly but surely. I heard we crushed Lynbrook at their HC last week so props to our team haha. It'll be pretty surreal seeing everything from an outsider's perspective--I'm excited!

• I'm writing this post from the aisle of my physics lecture hall. I thought that coming right at 9:40am (which is when it legitimately starts, "Berkeley Time") would be fine and I could get a seat, but apparently everyone comes to lecture... Who knew?

I actually came here expecting to take the quiz to prove that I woke up for this class, but I guess he's giving it to us on Thursday.
I'm tempted to just peace out now..
cause I'm sitting right under an air vent and it's fuh-reezing.

engrish.

so my roomie leila bought yan yans in bulk from cal dining.. cause you can buy hella stuff in bulk online then get it delivered to a dc near you (whoknew?!) (ijustrhymed.)

anyway, now yan yans have a picture of an animal, its name, and a short phrase saying something about them.

they're pretty interesting...


& this = the epitome of engrish. (go here if you want to see more)
i understand T and Y are right next to each other on the keyboard, but seriously?
haha i only thought this happened with asian stationery but guess not!

this is a random post. but it made me laugh when i saw it :)
kbye!

excitement galoreee

the last weekend was awesome! davis is pretty siiick (and SO CLEAN. and quiet. and big. and suburban.) haha

sooo.. hermes picked me up from the amtrak station, i chilled with him and his cool floormates & roomie jeff(erson).. then met up with meher, kathy, & natalie at their dc which is SUPER nice! i wish we had made-to-order omelets and self-made waffles in crossroads all the time.. *sigh. a girl can dream, right?
[NOTE: I thought the word "omelet" had two l's? *shrug.]
oo chilled with dkwan for the first time in FOREVEr. (2 whole years, what in the world?) i love catching up with old friends! makes me happyyy.

went to a UCD football game! it was a hugely different experience from our Cal games cause it was so cozy (not really in terms of warmth though, cause it was like -1p1238 deprees..) and close to the field. their "UCD band-uh" played a medley of hiphop songs during halftime... hmmm, sound familiar to anything? haha it was TYTE i learned a lot of davis cheers. and froze my toes off!

it was awesome seeing everyone this weekend :) yayyy


&&& i have so much to look forward to this coming week!
- 10/16: Bowling with TBG
- 10/18: Mighty4 10 yr anniversary @ Cow Palace
- 10/21: Warriors pre-season game against some lithuanian team in Oakland (free tix, saweeet.)
- 10/23: Joshua Bell w/SF Symphony
(AHh omg we can meet him after the concert!! dream come trueee haha i've been wanting to see him in concert since 6th grade.)
- 10/24: MV Homecoming
(I finally understand the meaning of "homecoming." soso excited to go home!)
- 10/25: Cal vs. UCLA game! Go Bears! :)

yay for having no midterms for a couple weeks. more time for blogging. kbye have a greattt week and good luck with midterms if you have them!

joys

college used to feel like summer camp, but with everyone starting now, it's beginning to really feel like our new lives (and actually feel like school). cra-zay!

in light of midterms (booo), here are some happy things in photos:


Game Day(s) and plaid shorts :)


Late night foodd


Birthday decorations...


...and surprises!


Eating cereal in my big Peets cup :)))


TBG<3


My roomie Leila & floormates


Unit2 small group!


Outings :)

and other things I don't have pictures for:
- Hanging out with Kathy & Natalie at random times
- Bumping into people randomly on campus
- Off-campus food
- New shower curtains in our bathrooms
(yaaay, even though they probably aren't all that clean anymore..)

that is all for now! time to study goodbyeee

el COLEGIO.

- Berkeley is cold, but I’m learning to embrace it. Also, “cold” here is probably nothing compared to most places so I shouldn’t be complaininggg
I got new things from the North Face outlet here. Super warm (and not to mention cheap. hah.)

- Sproul is a one-time-a-day thing for me.. I can’t handle walking through it multiple times a day, but if I don’t go at least once, I feel kind of empty inside. Is that weird?

- The new ipod nanos are so. cute. If they’re giving these away with that whole college-macbook-buying-deal I’m going to be so saddd.

- I have so much asian food in my room. Actually, my roomie and I just have so much food in my room in general. Please visit me and eat some!

- Cal Football. Yeahyeah, I don’t understand everything that’s going on & we lost to Maryland, but I love itt.

Game this & next Saturday!

- I want to go to the city.

I heart this place a lot. :)