one year ago.. and now

One year ago, my heart was a dry sponge. One of those extremely hard, brittle, ugly sponges that haven't had a single drop of water on them in days.

Beauty for ashes
a garment of praise for my heaviness
Beauty for ashes
take this heart of stone and make it Yours, Yours

I remember 11/1 was a huuuge day because of that freakin early application deadline. Then it was on to UC apps, then the rest of my college apps. School had been insanely busy with homecoming & all the work I didn't expect from my first semester (which I honestly thought was way worse than all of junior year combined), church was somewhere I went if I was feelin it that particular Sunday morning, and I was just crumbling under pressure, expectations, and the pressure from all the expectations. Like a speaker at IV large group said, "Expectations just suck the life out of you." Everything I did, felt, and sought after just left my throat and heart gasping to be soaked in something much more fulfilling. satisfying.

When I think of high school I remember all the good times and really miss it. But away from MVHS, I was also the most broken. Family, relationships, my future, and especially my walk with God were all so completely broken down. I tried to hide it but probably hoped that someone could see through me. I felt inadequate, I was constantly exhausted, and acted apathetic or faked a smile... just so completely dry.

One year ago, I was lost. Somewhere around me I knew there was a map or a compass, even, to find my way.. And finally, at the start of the new year, I just had to ask God to lead me out of bleakness and darkness.

There's a cry in my heart
For Your glory to fall
For Your presence to fill up my senses

I heard absolutely nothing. My conversations with God were one-sided and fake. I prayed using set phrases I had heard others use in sermons because I had nothing genuine or from the heart to say. What else can you say but cliches when you talk to someone you haven't spoken to in years? What else comes from a life that had a desire to know someone but never went far enough to act upon it?

So I struggled, and for the rest of the school year I took a few steps back for every small step forward. Moved churches--I thought maybe I just needed more people around me to inspire me. Sought different company--"these people seem so on fire for God.." I wanted to be like them. Set commitments--with the right goals, I would definitely walk the right path, wouldn't I?

I fought with myself and with God and with the ideals of this world. I cried, gave up, and then came running back to God again.

But all in all..
One year ago was just that. One full year ago. After having a crazy busy summer (before coming to Cal) away from California and my home, I had a renewed spirit in me. With faith that God had a purpose for everything--for the suffering, loneliness, rejection. With faith that I would be led by Him. With faith that I would find a community and yoke myself with believers when I moved into a completely new environment.

And now, I see that God is so good.

After coming to Berkeley, some of my old worries came rushing back to me... What if I had to start the fake smiles again when I go through hard times? And what if I still didn't hear God or see him working anywhere in my life? Yet as I worried I clung to my hopes to stay faithful and to seek Him, and now--nearly 3 months after that point--I can confess that He has filled me up so fully and amazingly.

And I remember how You found me,
In that very same place
All my failings surely would've drowned me
But You made a way

After joining InterVarsity and building a community within our Unit2 small group, I have slowly been challenged, transformed, and restored. After coming so far from that place of emptiness and dryness, my heart is soaked with so much hope and joy, even though I know things will get harder sooner or later. There are so many things about Christ's freedom for the broken and weary, His unconditional love for every person, and the fruit of the Spirit that I could go on about, but maybe those will be for another post. All I can say is that He truly works in His own time, in His own, precise, perfect way. Praise God.

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." -- Matthew 6:33